We're Off to Kill the Wizard

Season 1, Episode 8
Dec. 9, 1984

That's actually a good freeze of her. Happy. Well lit.

So maternal. How'd that work out for ya Joaquin?

Before I go anywhere on this. Joaquin Phoenix is in this episode. For like a second. Jessica plays maternal angelic whatever figure and fixes his bike.

She's staying with his family. They are mysterious relatives. Aren't they all.

So Jessica and the kids and their mother (who says like one thing the whole episode and it's about how great Jessica is) all go to a brand new theme park.

They go because a creepy man shows up in a limo and invites them...as you do.

Not that kind of hung

The theme park has a horror theme. But it looks more like a Ren Fair. And the horror elements seemed based on medieval torture porn and graveyards...so not really horror at all. The owner is Horatio Baldwin. Who sounds like Dom DeLuise and enters the show by bring fake hung.

He quickly shows himself to be a royal dick. He wants Jessica to open a Mansion of Murder with him. Which...he obviously doesn't know her...then he threatens her and gets a bit rapey with an auto door lock thing.

Jessica gets a great line about how she writes for people who read and he makes cheap attractions for children who can't tell the difference between real and fake and then walks off.

Then he locks himself in his office and dies. By gunshot? Maybe? It's a classic Sherlock Holmes locked room mystery.

Steve is such a good boy
He was in Sharknado
I'm so proud

We quickly are introduced to a bunch of suspects. The accountant, the architect, the wife, the secretary. Jessica is kidnapped by the wife. Which is apparently how these people roll because CORRUPTION!!! She wants Jessica to solve the murder because she needs the insurance money. OBVS. J. B. is offered a ton of cash for it. Then is let go.

The wife is Steve's mom from 90210 by the way.

The secretary thinks she killed him because they fought and then she left him alone. And then he died. Which is not how it works but OK Laurie.

She finds it because...there isn't much reason given

Jessica finds a secret compartment in the desk with the cunning use of matches. It's empty. Like all of the leads in this episode. So many red herrings this outing. It's kinda lame, but fun.

Did I mention that the accountant was Les in WKRP in Cincinnati? Loni Anderson isn't in the episode or it would soooo good.

Les tries to run off with a briefcase full of money but trips and the cash goes flying. This being the 80s - a huge crowd gathers to grab at it. The economy was bad in case you didn't know.

It turns out it is money he is owed. Maybe. I don't remember them actually resolving this one. It doesn't matter, we don't see Les again.

Jessica goes to the office. She discovers that the light in the phone has been cut. And the ringer. She figures out how it happened. From a cut wire. I think this stretches the audiences ability to suspend disbelief in the magic powers of deduction that J. B. Fletcher possesses but whatever.

She calls Phillip. And asks him to meet her in the Tunnel of Horrors. He beats her there and finds a secret compartment in a scary as all that is holy giant Horatio face that talks and makes groaning sounds. It's some Zozobra shit. It was all a blackmail thing, which is dull.

I think there's meant to be a metaphor of Horatio
being like the wizard of Oz, but...no

Philip tries to kill Jessica but it's a mirror and then the cops show up. It turned out that Phillip was in the room. He pushed Horatio down on accident. Then faked a suicide. He hid until after the cops broke down the door. Then ran out after they left.

Then Jessica gives Laurie the money Erica gave her for solving the case. The end.

Really this is all an excuse to talk about the favorite plot point for all the shows in the 80s - corruption in business and shady executives. The trope of the evil, sleazy, 80s businessman is so ingrained that Martin Scorsese is dredging that well for his new movie despite Wall Street having already been made.

I mean, it's a good trope. And at least in 1984 it was mostly a new one.